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MEXICO CITY, MEXICO – March 15: President of Mexico Enrique Pena Nieto (L) and President Donald Trump attend a meeting at Mar A Lago.(Photo by Getty Images)
WASHINGTON (AP) – at 12:15pm today President Trump disclosed that he has reached an agreement with Enrique Peña Nieto, President of Mexico, which provides for the sale of substantially all of the State of California to the country of Mexico. President Trump noted that this deal, which he claims “is his YUGEst real estate deal ever” is a win-win for everyone involved.
The two billionaires, who have clashed in the past, set aside their differences and negotiated the deal in which Mexico will pay for the wall, in exchange for the State of California.
One of the benefits Trump says he will highlight, during a prime time address from the oval office later this week, will include using the proceeds received by the US from Mexico to 1) pay for the wall (fulfilling yet another campaign promise), a wall which will now include the length of the eastern border of California, 2) fund all the infrastructure spending in the remaining 49 states and 3) pay to relocate the 67 remaining Republicans that currently reside in California.
He also noted that Federal money saved from the reduction of California citizens on US social programs will allow those social programs to be cash positive in less than 3 years.
Mexican President Nieto announced that he has already introduced a bill to the Mexican Congress asking to change the name of the acquisition to Mexifornia.
Other benefits President Trump intends to discuss during this evening’s prime time address include:
• Mexifornia will now be able to act as a sanctuary state within Mexico noting that there is much more room for the refugees who will find the climate in the former State of California more desirable than the climate in US cities such as NYC, Detroit or Chicago.
• The elimination of the existing boarder between Mexico and California will allow drugs to flow more freely between Mexico and the users in Hollywood. Drug tunnel diggers at the Tijuana border will now be able to use their skills to dig tunnels under Los Angeles to help ease congestion in that city and allow rioters to move about the city’s universities more freely
• The U.S. taxpayer will no longer be on the hook for any future disaster relief required once the next megaquake hits California.
The space in the Capitol and other DC buildings vacated by representatives of California will be fumigated and turned into “time-out rooms” for the press as well as Liberty Centers where US citizens can meet with their congressmen to discuss the pursuit of economic freedom.
Nancy P. Lousy released a statement stating that she looks forward to making the Mexican President’s life miserable and prefers the year round weather in Mexico City to that of DC. Her office has already announced a schedule of fund raising activities for what is believed to be an upcoming campaign to run for President of Mexico.
Papers released along with Trump’s statement reveal that a newly incorporated real estate company, Pmurt, Inc., which was intimately involved in the deal discussions, will receive a broker fee of $25 billion on the California sale. An anonymous Pmurt, Inc. representative has revealed that the profits on the deal are YUGE and will be used to purchase, develop and convert all abandoned US Federal facilities in California into special high end retreats and resorts which will assist California residents with managing their euphoria and transition into the nanny state they have so long desired to be.
The exact northern border of the new Mexifornia is still under negotiation. Apparently the White House is concerned that certain members of congress may be unwilling to give up California’s wine country and are suggesting that the northern border align with the north end of the Golden Gate Bridge but that Marin County will happily be ceded to Mexico.
Mexifornia residents will be issued special blue cards to cross the border into the US so that the total number of Mexifornia Liberals entering the US can be tracked and at any point in time not exceed predetermined levels. Residents that remain in Mexifornia after the effective date of the sale will not be allowed to seek refugee status in the US in the future.
Mexican President Nieto stated he is thrilled with the deal and is looking forward to declaring Spanish the national language for his newly acquired territory and opening SSL (Spanish as a Second Language) schools throughout Mexifornia. He also noted that funding for the transaction would come from the Mexican drug cartels, which have agreed to provide low interest loans to Mexico so long as they are allowed to move their cash out of Switzerland and the Cayman Islands back into Mexico tax free. He also said he considers the fact that a Disney park will now be located within his country an added bonus.
White House representatives refused to confirm rumors that a similar deal was in the works for the sale of Northeastern states from NY through Maine, to Canada.
President Trump wrapped up his statement stating, “this deal is YUGE and will help Make America, albeit a little smaller, Great Again”.
If you just figured out this is a joke, satire as it is most commonly called, then you aren’t as bad as the morons that are making comments from just reading the headline and going off half-cocked. Give yourself a hand!
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