Monday, September 8, 2014

A Modest Proposal: Make England the 51st State! - updated

Time to extend Manifest Destiny eastward!

With polls suggesting that a majority of Scots will vote for independence, thereby making the sun truly set on the British Empire, may I suggest that the upstart colonials who declared their independence in 1776 from said Empire, make the following offer to England:


(image from)

Among a multitude of reasons for this modest proposal: The English speak English, we Americans speak English (which the English will finally admit when they join the God-blessed Union); the special relationship will become (at last) specifically special; America's diverse ethnicities will be enriched with an influx of English people; and, most important, the tragedy of 1776 can be reversed by making the English, at last, fully American! (Wasn't that what the Founding Fathers wanted all along?)

As for the Queen, she can move to Hollywood and host her very own talk show! The royal family would truly shine in the money-making fun! TV ratings would go up! Advertisers would earn more dollars (no, God -- who after all is an American -- spare us of British pounds)! And the queen would soon speak with an cool USA-all-the-way teeny-bopper accent, including uptalk, vocal fry, and incessant use of "like"!

As for Cameron, he can work on Wall Street, for a hedge fund.

And the French and the Germans -- who have fought the English for centuries -- will be grateful that they won't have to put up with them as directly as they did in the past, as the English would have become Americans ...

Concrete items: To underscore that it is the first USA state located across the Atlantic, England would (like some other historically "recent" USA territorial additions  -- Florida, Nevada) be spared of state taxes. And the British military would be funded by the Pentagon, thereby freeing the English people of even more oppresive taxes. As for health care, we've got Obamacare to take care of the naturalized citizens from the sea-walled island.

Future speculation: At one point in the 22nd century, a descendant of the 51st state (yes, it will be called "England") will be a vice-presidential candidate! Rest assured, English people -- everyone can make it in America, even if they are of English origin.
This just in! I received (9/9/14) the following message from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the Russian Federation:
So-called Mr. Brown (we know that's not your real name, but no matter): Your blog-posted proposal, which you call modest, is a serious and elucidating one, given the world situation today. And, most important, it parallels the aims of Russian foreign policy.
It is well known, by now, that the Russian Federation intends to expand its territory for its own self-defense -- or, to use the American term, in order to follow its Manifest Destiny. Under the leadership of Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, our government has actively been implementing this policy in a westward direction, our first destination being regions of Ukraine that historically belong to the Russian Empire.
Thinking ahead, the Russian Federation will actively continue its purely defensive westward march. So, our country is counting on, in the not too distant future, that Scotland, once freed of its domination by the British Empire (which has long been hostile to Russia -- remember the Crimean War), will welcome becoming part of Mother Russia.  Our ties with the Scottish land

(image from)
across a small body of water (indeed, we are in essence neighbors, without the European landmass interfering in our establishing closer contacts) are considerable, including because our great 19th century Russian poet, Mikhail Lermontov, "descended from the Scottish family of Learmonth, one of whom settled in Russia in the early 17th century, during the reign (1613–1645) of Mikhail Fyodorovich Romanov" (we quote from that ever-reliable source, Wikipedia).
We count on your support in the Russian Federation's important geopolitical Scot initiative, which will ensure that the 21st century be one of peace, brotherhood, and international understanding. 
 One more recent message to yours truly from the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs (9/12):
Dear Gospodin "Brown" (we really know who you are; too many Browns in the USA; yours obviously is a code name for the CIA; but we FSB agents know where you're coming from, so we speak the same incomprehensible "secret" language, pravil'no?): We have seen the latest polls that 55% of Catalonians seek independence from Spain. Needless to say, therefore, we will also invite Catalonia to join the Russia Federation referred to during its long history, in a brief interruption, as USSR, when Russia was most involved in the Spanish Civil War.

Our current Emperor, Vladimir the Great, looks forward to Catalonia being part of Eurasia, stretching from the Pacific to the Atlantic. For more details on this geographical configuration, see Orwell's 1984. (The book does have some errors; but these mistakes will be amended by historical "reality").

(JB personal note to my wonderfully ironic Russian friends: I'm sure that I, as an admirer of Gogol and Bulgakov (and to some extent Nabokov), always get, as they say, "a kick out of you").

No comments: