Friday, January 3, 2014

WHAT DO Y’ALL, YINZ, AND YIX CALL STRETCHY OFFICE SUPPLIES? - Notes for a lecture, "E Pluribus Unum? What Keeps the United States United"

JANUARY 2, 2014

WHAT DO Y’ALL, YINZ, AND YIX CALL STRETCHY OFFICE SUPPLIES?

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How well does this test of regional slang reveal where you’re from? Answer the questions below to find out.
What do you call sweetened carbonated beverages?
a. Soda
b. Pop
c. Coke
d. Dope
e. Horse
f. Fizz-bang
g. Explodo
h. Gentleman’s seltzer
i. Heaven bubbles
What do you call the stretchy office supplies used to hold items together?
a. Rubber bands
b. Elastics
c. Flippos
d. Snapshooters
e. Wigglers
f. Stretchums
g. Satan’s bracelets
How do you address two or more people?
a. You
b. Youse
c. Y’all
d. Yinz
e. Yiff
f. Yix
g. Motherfuckers
What do you call sunshine?
a. Rays
b. Shinola
c. Pineapple heat
d. Cloud-isn’t
e. Bright ’n’ hot
f. Fiddlin’ Jesus
What do you call the insects that live in your closet and eat your sweaters?
a. Wool hogs
b. Yarn hellers
c. Fluff lice
d. Fuzz weevils
e. Fezziwigs
f. Linda and Kevin
g. Sweater jerks
h. Scarf jerks
i. Scarf jerks and sweater jerks are different jerks
j. Scarf jerks and sweater jerks are interchangeable
How do you pronounce “aunt”?
a. Ant
b. Aunt
c. Ain’t
d. Aren’t
e. I use ant, aunt, ain’t, and aren’t interchangeably
What do you call the seasonal treat that’s often flavored with nutmeg?
a. Egg nog
b. Nog nog
c. Peg leg
d. Glögg
e. Snurf
f. Gnip gnop
g. Sea org
What do you call a shop where alcoholic beverages are sold that lacks a drive-through window?
a. Liquor store
b. Packie
c. Grog shop
d. No-go booze-oh
e. Miss Hannigan’s bathtub
f. Get-out-of-the-car beer barn
g. The reason I moved to New Mexico
h. I have never heard of such a thing; the very notion is altogether revolting
What do you call the insects that live in your bed and suck your blood?
a. Bedbugs
b. Dream stinkers
c. Blood-yums
d. Mattress assholes
e. No-want-’ems
f. Landlord’s tears
g. Nosferatu, Jrs.
What do you call the small freshwater lobsters that end up in a gumbo?
a. Crawfish
b. Crayfish
c. Crawdads
d. Crawdoodles
e. Crawdoodleedoodles
f. Crawdaddios
g. Pool lobsters
h. Puddle lobsters
i. Mudbugs
j. Please don’t put these in my gumbo
What do you call a grassy area with gravestones and bodies in it?
a. Cemetery
b. Boneyard
c. Haunt-grass
d. Church dominoes
e. Skeleton hider
f. John Brown & Co.
g. Goth cotillion
h. Makeout point
i. The only place I can truly relax
j. I have heard of the concept but have no specific term for it
What do you call the weather phenomenon involving icy flakes and loud rumbling?
a. Thundersnow
b. Mjölnir went down to Georgia
c. Direwolf’s wedding
d. Puffin’s disco
e. Snow Miser vs. Heat Miser
f. Snow-monkey hot-spring battle
g. Immigrant Song
What do you call the body parts that you walk on?
a. Feet
b. Longfellows
c. Leg finishers
d. Walkos
e. Fool’s car
f. Hands
* * *
Results:
You are from Worcester, Massachusetts.
Credit: Pink Cotton Candy/Getty.

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